“So, you want we should tell you about Jesus?”

That was my first line and I was struggling to get the accent. Being from the South, I was sounding more like a TV evangelist:

               “JEEEEE-us”

I was supposed to be an elderly Jewish woman living in a retirement community in Boca Raton.

I was asked to participate in my church’s Christmas Program. You’re saying, “But Kim, you said you were taking time this Holiday Season to do nothing.” And you would be right. But I also promised myself I would take opportunities this year to step out and, in my small way, be brave. My previous performance experience was ONE play in which I spoke TWO words. 

When my pastor asked me to participate, he wanted Paul and I to play the parts of Mary & Joseph. While my husband doesn’t shy away from attention, performing is not the way he wants to be noticed. (Maybe one day I will discuss our failed attempts at ballroom dancing).

This year was a modern re-telling of Christ’s birth. There was the angel complaining about the skittishness of people. The Hillbilly Shepherd talking about the “Sparkly Lady” (the angel) and how “afeared” he was. The Wise Man , with his booming baritone voice, speaking of Herod’s phony attempt to befriend him to get the location of the Christ Child.

And then there was Mary & Joseph, retired in Boca, discussing the day Mary found out she was pregnant and having to break the news to Joseph.

When Paul declined, my pastor said he would be Joseph. My pastor is from Oklahoma (via Wisconsin). You couldn’t get any more White Bread than Bob. He is football player big and bald. I couldn’t even imagine him doing the New York/ Jewish accent!  I had some trepidation.  I casually mentioned our friend Tom, who was more physically closer to type and I suspected a  little bit of a ham. I was right. He accepted the part.

What, you are asking are my credentials? I am after all a big  bottle blonde from the South. I have been married into a New York Italian family for over 37 years, so that’s a good reference point. I lived just outside of Boca from the time I was sixteen. When I went to college in Alabama, I was often asked if I was from Up North (that’s how you say it in The South). Oh and I’ve eaten in my fair share of delis. This makes me practically perfect for the part … 

I did mention to Bob that after I have spent thousands of dollars on a facelift, I was pretty upset that I was perfect for the  old lady.  But then again, I have seen lots of facelifts and highlighted hair in Boca, so maybe I could pull this off.

My attempts at memorization were disastrous. Remember when that was so easy?  I googled how to memorize lines. One website suggested writing out all your lines repeatedly. I did that. I started blurting out my lines randomly to Paul and standing in front of a mirror while practicing. It was still a struggle.

As our group rehearsed, it became apparent  that everyone was having the same problem. Bob worked out a way for all of us to have our lines printed in binders, etc so that we didn’t stand up on stage looking blank and panic-stricken. Tom and I would be sitting on a bench. I would be reading a magazine, Tom had a newspaper. As an old married couple, we had stopped looking at each other centuries ago.

Bob, sensing our terror, told all of us to try to enjoy ourselves, but more importantly, that this was a safe place.  I thought “YES!” The people in the audience were our family, friends and fellow church members, not Broadway critics. They wanted us to do well.

DAY OF SHOW: This is where I am questioning all of it, “Why did I think this was a good idea? Why did I say yes? I CAN”T do this!” To add to the stress, Tom and I were the last to perform. Suddenly I had to keep clearing my throat, it felt like it was closing.

And then it was time. We shuffled out to the bench. I got the “Jesus” line  right. People were laughing and smiling and there was applause.  Tom and I nailed it!

We’re thinking of taking it on the road. W.A.S.P’s do the Borscht Belt — what do you think?