Saying Yes to Saying No

I ignored the first email. Volunteer groups are notorious for not updating information, and as I was no longer involved with the committee listed, I assumed (hoped) I had received the notice in error.  

Then the second email arrived. As my finger hovered over the delete button, I paused. Opening emails are the digital world’s Pandora’s box. Just like Pandora, I couldn’t resist.

No mistake, I was meant to receive the email.  The group leader was asking me to help plan an event. The first meeting was this weekend, with the event a month away.

Just this very week I had reveled in the wide open schedule I had from now through the holidays.  Never do this, it only invites the very thing you don’t want to happen to actually happen.

Here’s the thing. I didn’t want to do it. I liked the event idea. I thought the other people being asked to put the event together were great choices: talented, reliable, creative. I didn’t have a particularly busy schedule in the coming weeks. I just didn’t want to do it.

Is that a good enough reason to say no?

Selfish/ Guilt…Selfish/Guilt…Selfish/ Guilt, flashing through my brain like a neon sign.

Every time I hear, see or read about women needing to make time for themselves, I tune out and go to my happy place – where I am planning some time for myself. Do we still not get that we are important, have every right to take time off, and that we should work ourselves into our priorities? It’s okay to say no. I got it.

And yet, when this came up and I wanted to say no  I ran smack into the realization that I was not being completely honest about my ability to say no. Often I  ran through my checklist  of why I should refuse: I was too busy (the catch-all), family whatever, scheduling conflicts. If none of these applied, I would say yes.

I never included “I don’t want to” as part of that list.

I was having an “AHA! moment”:  I could only say no, if I had what I considered REAL reasons for not participating. Simply not wanting to was not a legitimate excuse to me.

Why was I even having this dilemma? Just pick some items from the legit list and forget about it, right? It’s what I had done in the past (even when, I suspect, that my real reason was DWT- Don’t Want To.)

I have been examining my motivations for everything this year.

• Why was I doing this?
• Why did I think this person was a friend?
• Why did this situation make me angry/ hurt?
• Why do I keep downloading books and not reading them?

A major factor in starting To 60 and Beyond was an examination of everything. Living as honestly as  possible, trying to be free of self-deception. (Thinking you are free of self-deception is the highest form of self-deception.)

In my effort to be more transparent, I didn’t want to be running around hurting people’s feelings. When someone puts themselves out there and asks you to help, it can feel personal when people refuse in a thoughtless way. Could I say no in such a way as to be true to myself and not come off appearing rude and uncaring?

I took a deep breath and composed my reply. I told the coordinator of the event  that I would not be participating as I was not taking on any more responsibilities or commitments through the end of the year. I DID NOT apologize. I was not sorry. I think women apologize unnecessarily. I received a kind reply and a thanks for getting back to her.

I wish I could say that I feel guilt free, but it’s not that simple or straight forward. I will have to constantly re-examine my motivations. It’s okay to say yes to saying no.